Sorta excited for school tomorrow. It is my last week of high school. Augh, how has it been four years? How have I made it through what stood in my way?

I failed this 365 project, there aren’t many posts but I did learn a lot about myself. I did end up becoming incredibly numb. I am still rather emotional but I am still learning to not fret over petty shit. I am sorry if you read any or all of these horrible posts. It hasn’t been a year since I started this, but almost…I guess. I never come on my personal tumblr, let alone this private one.

Almost six months. I forgot about this side blog. It’s really damn depressing to read everything I have posted on here. I thought everything would never get better a few months ago, then again this is a raw blog…yeah… I gained about 100 followers which is really strange for a ranting blog. Time to update I suppose. My best friend and I are still drifted but I have come to accept that. I am going to San Francisco State University, majoring in History, minoring in French. My parents are much nicer to me. I did end up getting my license in the end and am no longer in trouble with the law. I feel pretty good. I graduate next Thursday, woo. I am now only afraid to move where I will know no one, in a city I have not been to frequently. A few bad things have happened but, whatever.

I felt the need to vent about my fucked up situation where I knew no one would see it. Let me just list everything that is wrong right this moment:

• I got pulled over for driving without my lights.
• I was cited for being an unlicensed driver, possession of alcohol and possession of marijuana.
• My mother is satisfied with this, because she is a sadistic bitch.
• My father won’t even look at me.
• My freedom no longer exists.
• My best friend chose dick over me.
• I really feel alone.
• I hate my best friends boyfriend.
• Wait, my best friend and I are barely even friends anymore and we’re pretty much drifted.
• It will take me an additional year to get my driver’s license.
• That fucking ticket is going to cost THOUSANDS of dollars.
• I do not qualify for College Application fee waivers.
• My parents will not pay for College App fees.
• I cannot apply to any college.
• I do not qualify for SAT fee waivers.
• My parents will not pay for SAT fees.
• I cannot take my SATs, therefore I have less chances of getting into a college.
• I probably have to go to Community College.
• I am fucking depressed as shit right now.
• I am not allowed out anywhere, so I cannot smoke or drink.
• All I wanna do is cry, but my brother picks on me when I do.
• I feel like shit and scum.
• I don’t think anything in my life is good. 
• I honestly, don’t want to be here anymore.
• What the fuck do I do?

I think that this distant feeling is all in my head. I try to look at it from different angels. Negative and less negative. Maybe I am momentarily replaced. I am not considered anymore. I am boring. Uninteresting. Or maybe I just am overthinking and nothing is going on. I hate being an over analyzer. It always upsets me. I upset myself more than anyone upsets me. In retrospect everything is dandy and mighty peachy. My best friends are all coming together and things are looking up, but in my head I feel so pushed away and unwanted and paranoia rears and I feel something will end. I feel everyone I care about slipping away…but I’m never gonna tell anyone that. It doesn’t even matter, because my unhappiness is all mental and fictitious. Only I can control it and I cannot depend to feel reliant on others and I cannot expect anyone to cheer me up. I cannot put hope in anyone anymore and I cannot be so surprised every single time I am disappointed. Because every single time I am disappointed.

I feel so detached and distant and no one sees this. I feel like I try to reach someone and I’m not even acknowledged…I never put up with this but when you’re constantly told you’re loved by someone you feel obligated to stick around. I guess I don’t need anyone. Or at least everyone needs a break from me and I need a break from everyone. So I am done even trying to reach out and build stronger friendships with the only people that I ever really dared to love after constantly being hurt and betrayed over and over again. I shouldn’t let this ruin it all. I am going to begin focusing on me so this is for the best. I guess all I can thank these people for is pushing me. I wasn’t wronged, but things just don’t feel right. I feel like people either want nothing to do with me or want to hurt me. I am finally moving on, starting now.

Things are pretty nice. I am still unproductive though.