It’s really hard to express how I am “feeling”. I don’t know if I am sad, angry, upset, happy, glad, excited, depressed, or what the fuck. It’s just like. EH. I don’t feel much but I know it’s not good but then again I am not exactly mad or anything. There’s nothing really to be upset about. I just tell myself to keep my mind off of it because I don’t want to be a dramatic about anything…like my mother is…maybe it’s just that I need to go out and do something productive with my life. I keep receiving letters from colleges for recruitment, they send these letters to everyone so it’s not that they want me exactly. dasihbagisdjfgbaksf I feel pressured about college I guess. I just am scared I won’t get into the one I really want to get into and be separated from my best friend…I need to do community service, I need a job really really bad, I need to get the fuck away from my mother who just annoys the fuck out of me. She used to annoy be before but after she walked out on us and caused a huge scene a month ago I just lost a huge amount of respect for her. I feel useless and I am being useless. But then I feel like I have sort of lost hope for these types of things, then again I didn’t really have any to begin with. On another note, my two best friends just got back together which made me really happy. I was with one at the time because she was sleeping over and I was just rolling around because I was so glad. Although, I had a sort of a dispute of sorts with the other. I don’t even really remember what happened much, all I know is that I did something stupid and offended him and he ignored me up until they got back together. Even know I feel somewhat ignored but I know it’s only been two days. But I am anxious because I’m scared he actually dislikes me. That he doesn’t really want to even talk to me but feels forced. I feel if he had never gotten back together with her, he wouldn’t have ever talked to me again. I don’t know….I just am scared because at the moment…things don’t feel the same. I’m not feeling as happy as I thought I would to talk to him again. And it’s not his fault at all I guess. I always feel it’s me. I need to stop being paranoid so I don’t want to say anything. Either way, I’m scared to say anything. I know if I do my stupid mouth will screw it all up. I just knew that the day they were back together we’d all get to hang out with each other and stuff because he’s moving here for college and now I just feel he wouldn’t want to. I feel so weird I can’t explain it. I just wish I didn’t….I wish it wasn’t so difficult. Or I wish I just didn’t feel things. I just am going to stop thinking about it and let it go. I just always feel like I am a nuisance. It’s usually why I am so anti-social and shut out. But, I don’t really mind not saying some stuff I guess for…my relationships sake I suppose. asfi0dbnaidsjghiaiosjfs Poops.